I miss video.
No, I don’t miss the hissing, crackly sound, the grainy picture or the stretching and distortion of this film through continued use….usually during very specific points in movies of a particular nature.
What I miss is the freedom, the utter, indescribable bliss of being able to fast-forward through the anti-piracy warnings, the copyright notices and those fekking, over-elaborate, “is this the film? Oh no, it’s not.” Studio logos. Dear GOD, how I miss being able to sit down in front of the TV and having the power to zoom straight to the opening credits.
But that privilege has been stripped from us by the mighty Satan that is Dynamic Video.
Press it as hard as you like; the ‘Skip’ button is there only to taunt you.
No longer can we watch a film from the get-go. First, we must endure 25 minutes of legal bumf, displayed in writing so small that only those rich enough to have jumped on the high-def band-wagon can read.
Then we come to the insanely lengthy studio logo, which is animated to a fan-fare that may as well be a funeral dirge as, by this point, all but the most sedate people will have woven a crude noose from their chair-lining.
God forbid the studio is celebrating an “anniversary” the year of the DVD’s release – this animation goes on for even longer.
25 years? Since what? I put the disk in?!
On a few occasions, I’ve witnessed this animation run TWICE. Once to inform you of the studio that made the film (in case you missed it plastered all over the box) and again to remind you that it’s one of their DVDs you’re watching (in case you thought you were in a cinema).
Thanks, chaps. Can we see the film now?
With the formalities out of the way; on comes the menu, which is completely unresponsive until yet more time-wasting animations play, revealing the options available in obscure ways that make no sense until you’ve actually seen the movie (which, by now, seems unlikely to ever transpire).
When this has at last finished, those that have not yet hung themselves out of boredom may be thinking that they’ll live to see the film.
“Huzzah!” some will cheer….all too soon.
DVDs have one last evil act to commit: compulsory spoilers.
These are the little clips from the movie that play either as the menu is running through its tedious animation or when you click on an option and they invariably contain some gripping scene or piece of action.
At least, it would be gripping, had it not been removed from the context of the film. Its carefully scripted build-up hacked away by people that clearly know squat about film or entertainment in general.
They may as well just print on the screen “Willis is a ghost!” or “Spacey is the killer!”.
I think I’ve just worked out why piracy is so rampant on the DVD format.
People don’t buy them because they want to watch films on the cheap, they buy them because they want to watch films without having to wade through all of the above. Something pirates kindly cut out.
Thank ye, Jack Sparrow!
(I will not be upstaged by a chipmunk!)