Friday, August 7, 2009

G.I.Joe : The Rise of Cobra

****Content and replies may contain spoilers. You have been warned. Don't whine if you read one****

I played with G.I.Joe toys as a kid. They were great. The back yard became a huge battle-field, with jungles, deserts and over-sized ants (I grew up in Australia. They were big f**king ants) across which my little action figures to shoot the sh*t out of each other.
One of my most memorable Christmas prezzies was a G.I.Joe jeep with a missile battery on its back and a sweet tiger-camo paint-job.
I think I still have my Cobra Commander figure kicking around somewhere.....
Skip forward 20 years and I purchase my ticket to see the movie, knowing fine well that it's probably going to be crap. Both the Transformer films (if we're really honest with ourselves) were duds, so it stood to reason that another flick based on a toy-line would follow suit.
It did.
It's mediocre at best, filled with lots of big explosions and a never-ending series of flashbacks. A Character surplus is always going to dilute a film, but trying to detail each of those numerous character's backgrounds and motivations is assured to cripple the movie altogether.
My biggest gripe, however, is the redesign and generally unintimidating personality of Cobra Commander. He starts out as a, really rather cool, mad scientist. That image gets shattered when his origin is releaved. His implied bad-assness gets restored for a brief few seconds at the end with the line "You will call me; Commander!", and a shot of the Cobra logo on a submarine, backed by some fittingly menacing music.
But five seconds later, he's been captured by the good guys and clapped in irons, putting him back into the "crap villains" column.
"I am the true villain! Oh no; I've been caught" is a poor way to end a film.

Our fond memories of 80s franchises are being crapped on one by one, it seems.
Oh, god. I hope they don't ruin Thundercats!

10 comments:

Pan Pan said...

The more CG we put into movies, the less producers are willing to cut out due to how many man hours were put into said CG. Sad, no?

I attempt to mend your wounded childhood memories with a digital band-aid.

Michael said...

oh man, if they kill thundercats too, I just may take an effing ET-TE to Hollywood and go nuts.
(I'm 14 and I actually know about these things)
Hollywood is only in it for the money and have no intentions of doing things right, but apparently, they are trying to "re-visualize the what the old generation grew up on for the new generation"
or some BS like that

an! said...

Why don't they just play re-rune of all those 80's cartoons on TV? I doubt anybody wouldn't enjoy them; at least its better than making these remakes/movies.

Stories that were made immortal in one form(comic/game/movie/tv serial/paper) must either continue in that form or be repeated after they've completed a cycle; so that the next generation understands these values.

G.I.Joe did have those little morals at the end of each show; not all may apply these days, but they can be retro-fitted to suit today's audience.

I doubt any parent would prevent their kids from watching toons with morals in them. Rather, they'd watch along too.

How about NSVTM2? 'Bin a long time.
P.S.: I typed 'ovellar' to post this comment?!

an! said...

They really would be better off with re-runs on TV. Convinces the advertisers(old and new) that there exists an existing fan-following for these cartoon shows.

'sheio' permitted me to type this comment:)

Jbird said...

I was slightly surprised when I watched the film. That is, I'm surprised I do not hate it as much as I hate Transformers 2. I was blown away by the complete lack of humor coming from the Marlon Wayans. Which isn't say he was funny, just not what I expected. Better than the borderline racist humor from Bayformers.

As for the translation from the source material, I know nothing of G.I. Joe, nor would I care. I agree with your opinion on the film's Commander, who reminded me a lot of a pedophile with that dub-over voice.

Robert said...

The Transformers films were duds, really? I really think that it's the usual problem of a crotchety fanbase that just refuses to be satisfied.

The first Transformers film had a decent blend of action and levity, having exciting moments without overcooking the drama and so avoiding becoming staid and po-faced. Yet people complained that it wasn'T WALL-TO-WALL EXPLOSIONS. In the second film Bay gave them what they wanted with a dramatically upturned action count... and they turned their noses up at it.

There's just no pleasing some people!

Manetoys said...

I actually enjoyed the movie. Though I didn't care for Cobra Commander's new look either

Jalissa said...

Although I knew I'd be right all along about the movie, I'm glad to hear someone with a real appreciation for 80s treasures reaffirm that the movie was an overall horrible idea and sucked terribly.

If they ruin TC, I will give up on the idea that there is any originality, creativity, or compassion in New Hollywood.

Animill said...

Pork chop Sandwiches! :P

The movie wa overall ok...it felt like you're watching a comic come to life (the shallow cheesy kind)
Oh yes they will destroy Thundercats, just you wait and see I absolutely have no hope for Hollywood to make these things right, if it was that would be a fluke

Animill said...
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