I’m never going to win an award for being “Best Dressed”. I choose to wear functional attire rather than stylish. Those that prefer more flair to their fashion may go as far as to call my wardrobe “plain”.
But I like “plain”.
A shirt of a single colour goes with anything, and I’ve far more important things to do than fritter precious time selecting a coherent ensemble for the day.
Plain clothing, however, is bloody hard to lay your hands on. You can travel from shop to shop in search of the simplest, most common garment and not be able to find one that doesn’t look like wallpaper.
Or it has a crappy logo plastered all over it.
Or it comes pre-shredded.
Or it’s covered in foreign text that could read anything from “Dragon of the East” to “Danger: I carry Ebola”. Face it; you just don’t know because you don’t speak Mandarin, do you?
And then there are the stains.
New jeans, with stains.
Something is very wrong with that. You don’t buy clothing with brown stains, you burn it so that no one will ever ask the awkward question; “What caused THAT?!”
Maybe I’m just being fussy?
I do seem to have real trouble when it comes to buying anything I plan on wearing, though, be it clothing, foot or headwear.
Why is it I can walk into a hardware store, tell the assistant what I’m after and then leave with the desired item under-arm, but I go into a shoe or clothing shop and do exactly the same thing and they are out of stock, regardless of the colour of size I’m after?
Case in point: I had to get a new bike helmet a little while back. The old one was well in need of replacing, being over 4 years old, reeking of dried sweat and full of dead bugs picked up over the course of 4 summers.
(Yes; I actually put that on my head)
So; to the emporium of bike-related goods I go.
I was after a plain one (obviously) but as soon as I saw the selection I realised there was more chance of me farting one into existence than finding one which didn’t look like Picasso had been violently ill all over.
On top of the hideous colour schemes, there are the labels and logos, all of which are themed around speed. I ride a scooter. Wearing a helmet with “Lightning” or “Nitro” emblazed on it, while a sign of optimism, would make me feel silly as I tootled along at rocketing rate of 30mph.
Even if I had found a style that was to my liking, it wouldn’t have mattered as there was only ONE helmet in the entire shop that fit my bonce.
I’m aware that I have an ego, but that doesn’t actually affect the shape of one’s cranium. My skull is NOT freakishly large, but I do require a helmet that carries an “extra large” label.
Now, I saw 5 “EXTRA extra large” helmets, which really were for the elephant men of the Midlands, being so cavernous inside that you could wedge in, not just my head, but any luggage I intended on carrying with me.
And a spare tyre.
So why was there only ONE “Extra large”?
Eventually, I fear, people will not just be calling my wardrobe “plain” but also “threadbare” as shopping for clothing is becoming so difficult that I just hang on to what I already own for longer and longer….
Maybe I should purchase a loom and start making my own?