Tuesday, September 11, 2007

....you expect me to wear THAT?!

I’m never going to win an award for being “Best Dressed”. I choose to wear functional attire rather than stylish. Those that prefer more flair to their fashion may go as far as to call my wardrobe “plain”.
But I like “plain”.
A shirt of a single colour goes with anything, and I’ve far more important things to do than fritter precious time selecting a coherent ensemble for the day.
Plain clothing, however, is bloody hard to lay your hands on. You can travel from shop to shop in search of the simplest, most common garment and not be able to find one that doesn’t look like wallpaper.
1970s wallpaper.
Or it has a crappy logo plastered all over it.
Or it comes pre-shredded.
Or it’s covered in foreign text that could read anything from “Dragon of the East” to “Danger: I carry Ebola”. Face it; you just don’t know because you don’t speak Mandarin, do you?
And then there are the stains.
New jeans, with stains.
Brown stains.
Something is very wrong with that. You don’t buy clothing with brown stains, you burn it so that no one will ever ask the awkward question; “What caused THAT?!”
Maybe I’m just being fussy?
I do seem to have real trouble when it comes to buying anything I plan on wearing, though, be it clothing, foot or headwear.
Why is it I can walk into a hardware store, tell the assistant what I’m after and then leave with the desired item under-arm, but I go into a shoe or clothing shop and do exactly the same thing and they are out of stock, regardless of the colour of size I’m after?
Case in point: I had to get a new bike helmet a little while back. The old one was well in need of replacing, being over 4 years old, reeking of dried sweat and full of dead bugs picked up over the course of 4 summers.
(Yes; I actually put that on my head)
So; to the emporium of bike-related goods I go.
I was after a plain one (obviously) but as soon as I saw the selection I realised there was more chance of me farting one into existence than finding one which didn’t look like Picasso had been violently ill all over.
On top of the hideous colour schemes, there are the labels and logos, all of which are themed around speed. I ride a scooter. Wearing a helmet with “Lightning” or “Nitro” emblazed on it, while a sign of optimism, would make me feel silly as I tootled along at rocketing rate of 30mph.
Even if I had found a style that was to my liking, it wouldn’t have mattered as there was only ONE helmet in the entire shop that fit my bonce.
I’m aware that I have an ego, but that doesn’t actually affect the shape of one’s cranium. My skull is NOT freakishly large, but I do require a helmet that carries an “extra large” label.
Now, I saw 5 “EXTRA extra large” helmets, which really were for the elephant men of the Midlands, being so cavernous inside that you could wedge in, not just my head, but any luggage I intended on carrying with me.
And a spare tyre.
So why was there only ONE “Extra large”?
Eventually, I fear, people will not just be calling my wardrobe “plain” but also “threadbare” as shopping for clothing is becoming so difficult that I just hang on to what I already own for longer and longer….
Maybe I should purchase a loom and start making my own?


Dohickey Jones said...

Yeah, I feel exactly the same way - made slightly worse by the fact that i'm 6ft with a large frame and .. ahem .. ample stomach proportions with size 13 feet, things get .. interesting.

On the subject of the pre-stained jeans, I managed to knock up some fashionable ones myself - when I accidently dumped a toner waste box over my favourite blue jeans. I'm going to see if any of the local shops are interested - there's plenty of waste toner left.

rali said...

Glad to know I'm not alone. I also have a hard time trying to find pants in my size. I don't know if everyone is my size, or if the stores hate me so much they intentionally keep my size out of stock :(

I too am sick-n-tired of all the pre-faded/shredded/stained, retro-logoed, corporate-logoed, camouflaged, flared, slim-fit, relaxed-fit, etc. cloths that are flooding the clothiers. And don't get me started on shoes!

Just give me a simple pair of comfortable fitting jeans or slacks, a plain button up shirt with a pocket, a pair of comfy trainers and I'm happy.

David Page said...

highstreet shops are hideous

but you gotta make some effort.

this will help you

Bob said...

I totally agree regarding the ridiculous logos on clothes nowadays.
Sorry to admit it but I just go to ASDA. They always have cheapo jeans in stock (2 for £5 at the moment) and at that price you can afford to replace them if anything untoward happens.
They always have a good selection of T's and polo shirts.
I too am ample in the stomach area and their clothes always fit me.
So, having sounded like an ASDA advertisement, I leave it to the jury to decide.
Trust me I always shop there.

Bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tony said...

Everybody around here agrees with you, dude. You can find something quite close if you go to cool, religious fairs, and stuff. "Untitled" was said to be in Europe a while back, and I met one of the skaters via one of his own friends. He bought me this awesome, black T-Shirt. Totally solid execpt for the green "untitled" logo, which looks cool to me. I also have the HARDEST time finding pants I like. I badly love those expensive "Ambercrombie & Fitch" pants. Those feel so good... Awww, yeah.

epox8k5a2 said...

ive had this one pair of jeans for about 5 or so years, and they have been well worn. ive had to put a few patches and sewn a few bits up. i wear them to school one day and this chick stops me in the hall and goes on a rant on how great they are, what major brand store i got them from and if there was another pair available for under $80.
wtf is up with the fashion fads these days???

Anonymous said...

Though, sometimes I do like the occasional flowery print (being a girl and all) most of the time I would like a plain t-shirt. That doesn't say, "Too Hot For You!" or something like that.
I look damned cute in plain t-shirts I say! I don't need no fancy shirt to flatter me. Bigger boobs would be nice though.
LOL! Hello, fellow IBTC members!

Choronzon said...

Two words for you sir!



Dickies covers pants and shirts, everything they make is made of canvas so its rugged and it comes in many sizes and colors. Solid colors for the most part. I paint so I go for mostly black and grey as you dont want your shirt reflecting in your painting. Patagonia I use for jackets, the one I am wearing at the moment did cost a pretty penny but 12 years on and it still looks like new. It also has a pocket in front for a phone and two on the side for everything else and they all zip. Who could ask for more?