The Curious Ravings of Jolly Jack

Birmingham Comics Show

2009-09-30T15:09:00.001+01:00

The British International Comics Show is on this weekend.
As with last year, ace artist and one of my former cohorts from Rare, Mr Wil Overton, is very kindly allowing me to lurk at his table (Look for Dinkybox).I should be there on both Saturday and Sunday (unless something untoward happens!)
Along with running his stand, Wil's also peddling a collection of comics that he's spent a good few months producing, and to which he, myself and a couple of other highly talented concept monkeys have contributed.It’s called SMARTBOMB, and it’s available (for those in the UK) through the good Mr Overton's Dinkybox website. The rest of the world can nab a copy through IndyPlanet.

Disney eats Marvel

2009-08-31T18:30:00.001+01:00

Disney has bought Marvel Entertainment. A move that will no doubt irk Marvel fans. Myself NOT among them.
For $4Billion, a company that perpetuates itself by selling and reselling tired old franchises gets access to over 1000 MORE tired old franchises.
If not already clear: I am not a fan of Marvel.
Granted; I've enjoyed the recent batch of movies that have spawned from their material, but the comics themselves are dire, convoluted and repetetive crap.
I file Disney in more or less the same column. The last half-decent thing that they produced was Kim Possible (which they succeeded in ruining by stretching its run).
Neither company has a clue how to generate new content, which is why there are so many "sequels" to Disney classics and why Marvel has started peddling translations of high-quality French comics, such as Sky Doll.

G.I.Joe : The Rise of Cobra

2009-08-07T16:53:00.000+01:00

****Content and replies may contain spoilers. You have been warned. Don't whine if you read one****

I played with G.I.Joe toys as a kid. They were great. The back yard became a huge battle-field, with jungles, deserts and over-sized ants (I grew up in Australia. They were big f**king ants) across which my little action figures to shoot the sh*t out of each other.
One of my most memorable Christmas prezzies was a G.I.Joe jeep with a missile battery on its back and a sweet tiger-camo paint-job.
I think I still have my Cobra Commander figure kicking around somewhere.....
Skip forward 20 years and I purchase my ticket to see the movie, knowing fine well that it's probably going to be crap. Both the Transformer films (if we're really honest with ourselves) were duds, so it stood to reason that another flick based on a toy-line would follow suit.
It did.
It's mediocre at best, filled with lots of big explosions and a never-ending series of flashbacks. A Character surplus is always going to dilute a film, but trying to detail each of those numerous character's backgrounds and motivations is assured to cripple the movie altogether.
My biggest gripe, however, is the redesign and generally unintimidating personality of Cobra Commander. He starts out as a, really rather cool, mad scientist. That image gets shattered when his origin is releaved. His implied bad-assness gets restored for a brief few seconds at the end with the line "You will call me; Commander!", and a shot of the Cobra logo on a submarine, backed by some fittingly menacing music.
But five seconds later, he's been captured by the good guys and clapped in irons, putting him back into the "crap villains" column.
"I am the true villain! Oh no; I've been caught" is a poor way to end a film.

Our fond memories of 80s franchises are being crapped on one by one, it seems.
Oh, god. I hope they don't ruin Thundercats!

Jolly Jack's top 20 games EVER.

2009-08-03T00:28:00.001+01:00

Time to revive this blog with an uber-post :)

My top 20 fave games, listed in the order they were played, not of quality (they're ALL must-play as far as I'm concerned).

The Last Ninja (C64)
I was somewhere between 7 and 9 when I first played this. I seem to remember seeing it at a friend’s house first, but I never really got the chance to spend time navigating the isometric world of the titular Ninja until my mum picked up a 6 pack of C64 games at a market. Back in the 80s, there was still a fair bit of mystique to the eastern martial arts…..and there were Ninja Turtles on the telly….as such, anything with “Ninja” in the title was coveted by the kiddies, myself included.

Spy vs Spy 2 (C64)
Back in the days when games came on cassette, all you needed to make a pirate copy was a half decent, 2-deck tape-player. This meant that for every one authentic copy of a game, there were probably a hundred dodgy knock-offs being shared around the playground. The first copy of SvS2 I played was such a tape. I never actually owned an original until fairly recently, when I picked one up off EBay for the sake of sentimentality.
I’d never heard of either MAD magazine of the Spy vs Spy cartoon strip on which the game was based. All it was to me was a thrilling premise: two rival spies are parachuted onto an island. The first to collect all 3 parts of a nuclear missile and reach the safety of a submarine just off-shore is the winner. The loser is left to fry in the lava of the soon-to-erupt volcano.
It was one of the first simultaneous 2 player games I’d ever experienced and is what introduced me to the sheer and utter delight of being a sneaky, conniving bastard. I seemed to have an innate ability to build the best traps in that game and it’s one of the few titles that I have ever become such an expert at that no one wanted to play against me.

Lemmings (Amiga/PC)
The first puzzle game I ever became addicted to. It was impossible not to be completely and utterly charmed by the suicidal, green-haired vermin.
Again, I first played it on someone else’s computer. I still had a C64 at that point, so, being unable to play it at home, I actually devised a Lemmings-style pen and paper game that used random elements and perils determined by dice rolls!

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Megadrive/Genesis)
The Sonic series, and the art style of titles up until Sonic 3, has probably been one of the biggest video game influences in my work. In the early 90s I was completely and utterly obsessed with the spiky blue one and his ovoid nemesis (who I will never refer to as anything other than “Robotnik”!). I watched the cartoon, read the comic, collected the trading cards and ate the tinned pasta-shapes in tomato sauce (once. They were horrid).
The mixture of azure skies, lush jungles and crazy technology really, really appealed to me. I think if you look through much of my art; that kinda shows through.

Sim City (Apple/PC)
Sim City introduced me to the concept of what I call “Wall Building”. If you’re a Wall Builder, you derive more pleasure from building your base than blowing up your enemy’s.
I first played it at school. There was a computer club held every lunch-break, and SimCity had found its way onto the old monochrome Apple computers they had there. I spent weeks building up a city. At the end of each session I’d print out the map and then note down what changes I would make to it the following day.

Monkey Island 2 (Apple/PC)
Another title that I first played at my school’s computer club, and my first graphic adventure. I didn’t get the chance to play the first Monkey Island game until a good few years later, so a lot of the in-jokes I obviously didn’t get. It wasn’t the humour that made me love this game, though; it was the utterly delicious environments that you guided Guybrush around, and the very cinematic feel.
I still get a little giddy hit of excitement when I order Threepwood to dig up LeGrande’s ancestor. Lightning starts up in the background, the music goes all moody…..and then his belt malfunctions….

Myst (Apple/PC)
I’d heard about Myst a long while before I got the chance to play it. There was a late-night show about computer entertainment running at the time and during one of the articals the showed a very brief bit of footage from the Library on Myst island.
I immediately fell in love with the visuals. The beautiful wood-pannelled library became a place that I HAD to visit.
When I finally did, Myst became my new obsession, not taking over from lil’ Sonic, but sitting neatly beside him. It was Myst that really made me start to savour exploration in games.

Beyond Oasis/Story of Thor (Megadrive/Genesis)
I’ve always been a Sega fanboy. Even before Sonic showed up; it was Sega consoles that I played, starting with the Master System 2.
This being the case, I never played Zelda; a game to which Story of Thor clearly owes a great deal.
Quite why it was renamed “Story of Thor” for its release here in fair Blighty, I’ll never be sure. The vibe the beautiful artwork emits is decidedly more Arabian than Nordic. Indeed; no one in the game is even called “Thor”!
Still, it’s my favourite top-down action-adventure.

Ultima Underworld (PC)
The first open-world game I ever played. “open-world” being rather ironic in this case as the entire game is set underground.
What your avatar sees during the adventure only fills about a quarter of the screen, the rest being taken up by inventory and stats, but what went on in that little bit of screen space was utterly engaging.
Up until this point, games for me had always been broken up into sections or levels. “Do anything. Go anywhere.” was just a dream. Underworld just went on and on, deeper and deeper. Almost anything you found could be picked up and used. Every character could be interacted with. You could even kill NPCs that were integral to the game’s completion and you didn’t get a game-over screen. Things just continued.

Resident Evil 2 (Dreamcast)
Its on the list because in playing Resi 2 I had one of the greatest gaming sessions in my life; playing the game, for the first time, with no knowledge of what was coming up next, from start to finish…..without saving. Took me 6 or 7 hours, I think.

Half Life (PC)
Games were never truly cinematic for me until HalfLife. This game made me feel like I was in an action flick, with its sci-fi atmosphere and huge set-pieces.
What I really liked about the HalfLife world, though, was how everything looked and felt as though it had a purpose. Black Messa was designed not as a game world, but as a functional secret laboratory. There was nothing superfluous about it. Everything you saw was logically placed, which made the invading creatures feel even more alien.
HalfLife was also one of the first games I played over LAN. My coworkers hated it when I joined a map if tripmines were available. Remember Spy vs Spy 2?

Codename Eagle (PC)
Bugs aside; Codename Eagle is one of the finest, most fun multiplayer games I’ve ever played, with the added bonus of being set in a time-period that I really love.
The forerunner to the Battlefield series, it’s hideously ugly by today’s standards, but I’ve yet to play another game in which you can launch a jeep off a cliff, into a passing enemy helicopter, yourself jumping clear and parachuting down into an enemy stronghold, hurling grenades and destroying their bi-planes en route.
It was the first game you can call a true toybox. Its makers gave you the tools, an island to play on and then said “Right; have at!”.
As I said, though, there were some bugs. There were occasions where you could be shooting at someone with a pistol and you’d suddenly, for no reason what-so-ever, explode into a shower of bloody red giblets.
Tenacious D had just appeared at the time we were playing this, so when that happened we said the victim had been hit by a “mind bullet”.

Skies of Arcadia (Dreamcast)
This took over from Shining Force 2 as my all time faveourite RPG. It’s like playing a really good anime series (one of those rare ones that actually make sense). Pirates, airships, floating islands and a brilliant soundtrack.
The characters were all thoroughly likable and in no way annoying (a rarity!), the story was compelling and when it was all over I had that bizarre feeling of emptiness, knowing that there was nothing left to experience in that perfectly crafted world.
Where the hell is the sequel?!

Freelancer (PC)
Elite is legendary…..it’s also dull. Freelancer took the concept of interstellar travel and trade and made it exciting, cutting out all the boring stuff and replacing it with glowing nebulas, plasma discharges and a pretty good conspiracy story.
Yet again; exploration is what I really love about this title. If you want to ignore the space lanes, point your ship toward the strange shapes in the distance and hit the hyperdrive, you can. There are so many sights in Freelancer’s universe which you will only witness if you partake in a little wanderlust.

Ico (PS2)
What first drew my attention to Ico was a description in Edge magazine that compared it to the design of old-style games in which you solve one puzzle and more on to the next. I liked that idea, and the lonely setting reminded me a lot of Myst.
I could tell it was something special just by the arty look of its cover (I think some people elsewhere in the world missed out on this) and actually bought a copy some time before I bought a PS2 on which to play it, thinking that it was going to be one of those titles that would become collectable very quickly through their limited print-run.

GTA Vice City (PS2)
The definitive GTA experience in my book, and the best of the series thus far. It had the best script, the best actors, the best soundtrack and it made me feel all nostalgic about the 80s!
San Andreas was bigger, but felt emptier, and GTA4 just lost the fun altogether.

Silent Hill 2 (PS2)
Probably the most terrifying and intelligent game I have ever played. In fact; I think calling it a mere “game” is an insult. It’s not something you play, it’s something you experience.
From when James first leaves the public restroom and wanders down that path amid the creaking trees, to the final showdown in a ruined warehouse, the world of Silent Hill is nothing if not a supreme example of horror, filled with creeping evil and madness. Kinda Lovecraftian, just with less fish and more rust. It’s a benchmark that nothing else has yet to surpass, including later instalments of the franchise.

Portal (360)
I’ve not said this about any of the other games on my list, but Portal is about as close to perfection as any game that I have played. The puzzles are brilliant, navigation is never frustrating and any time you make a mistake, you’ll only ever blame yourself and never the game.
The true triumph, though, is the design of the world. Aperture Laboratories is an enigmatic and mysterious place. There is no narrative to explain what the hell happened before you were brought out of stasis, only clues tucked away in the dilapidated inner workings of the facility. That, and the increasingly psychotic ravings of the homicidal GlaDOS super computer.
You come away from it with a sense of accomplishment, but wanting more. A sure sign of its quality.

Team Fortress (360)
There are few titles that have as pure a sense of fun about them as TF2. The promotional videos had me in stitches and the 1950s art style had me drooling with anticipation. When I finally got around to playing it (the first multiplayer session I’d engaged in for a good few years) I wasn’t disappointed. The only thing that keeps me from playing it 24/7 is my dodgy BT broadband connection.

Fallout 3 (360)
Urban decay has always held a strange allure for me. I like modern ruins; old 1950s to 1960s buildings that have been left to rot, have plants growing out of them and are covered in cheap posters and advertising. They have such character and mystery about them.
Imagine my glee, then, at finding a game that presents a whole world like this!
The desolation of the Capitol Wasteland is both horrifying and beautiful. You’d think that the never ending boulder field would get boring after a while, but I never once used the fast-move option. There’s so much hidden away.
Looking across the wastes at the remains of DC as the sun sets is one of the most memorable moments I’ve had in gaming.

Boobies. They sell.

2008-09-03T10:38:00.008+01:00

If you want to guarantee sales; target the male market and ensure there’s plenty of cleavage!
What? It’s true! Think of all the second rate films and games that sell well simply because they’re aimed at guys and have a buxom bird bouncing around.
And as you have probably guessed by now; I’m more than happy to sink to that level, for the sake of dosh and giggles :D

I’m currently writing a script for a Goodcat comic. He’s turned into a sort of freelance, James-Bond type.

Goodcat’s side-kick. I know a lady called Verity, and thought it was a fantastic name. Hope she doesn’t mind me swiping it!
Full name of the comic-book Verity is; Verity StMartin (“San Mar-Tahn”), and she will be wearing a little more on those pages….

I’m also putting together a little comic for Sky, the treasure-hunting kitty that seems to forever be a whisker away from disaster.

This one’s a demon hunter.

Chloe might encounter this chap at some point.

A lovely lady I know was feelin’ ill a little while back. Drew this to cheer her up. Always happy to care for the sick….at a distance.

And, lastly, in keeping with today’s theme; more boobage.

July Art Dump

2008-07-08T10:56:00.001+01:00

Not posted on my blog for aaaaaaaages.
Here's some sketches.
Too much mayo.

Hilary plays.

Chloe!

I think she’s getting pervier.

Lil’ Farm Girl.

Pies and surreal Anime in the company of a fellow B3tan.

Fear the fibre-chomping zombie!

Another pic of tiny Scarlet.

B3ta terminology: “Squits” – A squirrel with tits.

Chloe might like getting hot ‘n sweaty, but humidity isn’t her thing.

God bless thin, white, cotton shirts and the unpredictable British weather.

Another random country girl. I seem to have a thing for drawing busty farm-hands at the moment…..

Drawn during a meeting. Can’t remember what was said to inspire the strapping of a rocket to a kitten…..

A film that contained legs that could only JUST be considered sexy.

And, when humour flags; turn to the use of naughty words.

Snip snip.

2008-05-06T09:59:00.003+01:00

Weather’s getting milder.
I should get a haircut.

Chloe tries to make the new Curio Girl feel at home.

She does behave from time to time….usually when she’s at the office….usually.

No, kid; you don’t.

Elli gets angry.

Too serious.

2008-04-08T09:49:00.003+01:00

After my last entry, I felt I was letting my blog get a little too serious.
Time for some fun!
Let's start with Chloe :D

'Tunnels' is a little game I'm working on. You can download a demo free through Lulu.

Captain Wow is a fellow B3TAn, and was feelin' icky when this was doodled.

Don't mess with the Supa Kitty (This is just a one-page thing. Don't ask about a series)

International Embarrassment

2008-03-31T11:35:00.000+01:00

The most recent issue of the international edition of Time Magazine has a depressing and very embarrassing cover story: the youths of Britain.
More specifically; their out-of-control behaviour.
I don’t regularly read Time, because I find most American-led news journalism to focus on sensationalism rather than the facts, much like British tabloids which I also avoid like the plague.
On this occasion, however, they’re spot on, which makes it doubly painful to read.
The situation can be compared to a scene in an up-class restaurant, with the nations of the world wining, dining and engaging in civilised conversation….and then Britain turns up with its feral children, who proceed to scream, throw food at the serving staff and use the decorative table candles to set fire to the napkins before drinking too much and vomiting all over the dessert trolley.
The “tutting” from the surrounding tables should make all in fair Blighty cringe.
“What the hell happened?” people ask “Britain was the land of good manners!”
Yes. It was.
Why? Because we used to beat said manners into kids from an early age. If you did something wrong, you’d get a clip ‘round the ear, which is fair incentive not to do said wrong again.
These days, kids are given something more dangerous than a loaded gun; too much freedom.
They are out of control because we let them do what the hell they please. There is no discipline because the powers-that-be say that this is unfair on the children. They have to be shown leniency and given a choice whenever possible.
Madness.
A child will always test their boundaries and see how far they can push things to get what they want. If there are no repercussions for their behaviour, do you honestly think that they will stop by choice? Or will they grow into the vermin that Time has made a feature of?
The Government is proposing typically limp-wristed responses to this growing problem in the form of new parks and youth clubs.
What utter bollocks.
A child must be taught right and wrong at an early age by any means necessary. They must be encouraged to think as an individual and to think creatively, thus keeping occupied and expanding on what they hear and see through music, film and video games rather than letting those influences rule them. Lastly; they must be made to understand that there will always be a harsh consequence for wrong action, and not just a slap on the wrist.
A couple of swings and a slide isn’t going to do that.
Tough discipline will.

The Edit.

2008-03-17T11:02:00.001Z

Things have to be cut from TV and film from time to time.
Violence and swearing is cut from movies aired on TV early in the evening to keep up the naïve belief that kids don’t already know about blood-soaked-zombie-decapitation and appropriate use of the phrase “you sh*t f**king little bastard son of a whore”.
Cuts in cinematic releases are usually to streamline the film. To trim the fat so that what’s left is gristle free goodness crafted purely for your viewing pleasure. Superfluous dialogue and drawn out events are given the scrap, and their own feature in the ‘deleted scenes’ section of the DVD.
On other occasions; scenes are cut to prevent the movie-makers looking like ambitious amateurs/George Lucas.
Scenes like that with the Giant Octopus in The Goonies.
Had that actually made it into the film, I’m pretty sure Spielberg would have been accused of losing the plot and gone on to direct dog-food commercials and not Jurassic Park.
Yes, the edit is important, nay, vital to a good film.
When it’s done well.
When it’s done poorly the bouncing-up-and-down-with-glee-at-what-you’re-watching is replaced by a great big “huh?” as you try to work out just what the hell is going on.
I like the film Cutthroat Island. It’s a great little pirate romp that I’ve watched often enough to know just when to hit ‘Mute’ on the remote and avoid Gina Davis butchering her lines.
There is one part during this Caribbean-based merriment that really irks, though: “Dog” Brown, the dastardly villain, orders his men to set sail. One minion inadvisably says “We can’t. We don’t have enough food on board”. Dog turns and snarls “Then we need less mouths to feed” and he pulls his pistol….
I didn’t get to see this flick at the cinema, but I’m willing to bet that what followed next was a shot and some blood. On the DVD you don’t get either. You just get a bunch of sailors looking at something on the floor. You don’t see what, but we can assume it’s the mouthy sailor, minus his face.
A fine example of bad editing, the reason for which is probably down to an event in the news that got the censors in a twist prior to the DVD’s release, but a couple of years down the line; is forgotten.
Another example is the recent Top Gear: Great Adventures DVD. Their road-trip across the southern states of the USA was a classic bit of telly, but because of legal reasons all the funniest bits had to be removed. The resulting mess doesn’t make a bit of sense, with the 3 ‘heroes’ of the piece constantly referring to and joking about events that, unless you caught the show when it aired, you won’t have seen.
Worse offenders than those who ruin DVDs are the TV Schedulers that run a series containing action related violence at an early hour to maximise viewing figures but hack away at the programme in order to do so.
In Blighty, Channel 4 does the best job of ruining a show. Try vegging out in front of their Sunday afternoon line-up and you’ll easily be able to spot their crappy cuts. Be it Smallville of Stargate SG1, any time a fight kicks off, a gun is drawn or a particularly gruesome sci-fi incident is about to take place; the action is removed and we skip straight to the aftermath.
When something is made to be so disjointed it ceases to be a source of entertainment.
As a result, I tend not to watch my favourite shows when they air, but when I pick up the DVD sets cheap off ebay.
I laugh with mild satisfaction at the knowledge that somewhere a little counter that monitors viewing figures has dropped by one.
Slightly pathetic, but I’m going to laugh anyway. HAHAHAHAAHAA!

Goodcat

2008-02-19T10:48:00.004Z

Leo Goodcat; another character I see potential in.

I’m clearly not left-handed.

RAAAR!

If you don’t know where this line is from; you’re not a true gamer.

Can’t go wrong with a Jungle Girl!

“How do?”

Quick scrawl based on a veeeeery long request.

Chris Phillips’ Ninja Nun.

I gots me a PLASMA RIFLE!

She’s all about ‘kinky comfort’….

….and teasing in general.

She regrets buying those smaller sizes when she DOES have to cover up.

Man-Cold.

2008-01-21T09:55:00.001Z

I was ill over Christmas. It was no mere cold, I'm certain. Had to be some alien virus or something.
Better now, though :D

And now; lots of random junk:

I can still see a sliver of sunlight at 5pm! IT'S SUMMERTIME!

It's snowed a bit where I live, but not much. Can't say I'm looking forward to February. I'm sure we're in for another cold snap.

God, I LOVE Team Fortress 2.

I got a Christmas Hamper from work :D

I think this'd make a fine addition to any RPG.

Alone in the dark......

2007-12-06T15:23:00.000Z

Going to the movies on your own is, for some inexplicable reason, looked down on, and I’m struggling to work out why.
I’m occasionally a solo movie-goer, and have no issues what-so-ever with approaching the spotty-faced student behind the till and asking “one for [film name here]”. But when I admit this to people, they all recoil as though they’ve just been slapped in the face by a rancid haddock. They just cannot believe I go to the flicks alone.
The reason I don’t have a problem with it is because, in my mind, going to the movies is one of the second most antisocial activities you can engage in (The first is; going to the movies and TALKING FOR THE DURACTION OF THE FILM. You know who you are. Kindly f**k off and die, you antisocial little prigs).
Let us analyse exactly what you do when you go and watch a film on the big screen: you buy a ticket, find your seat and then sit in the dark for 2 to 3 hours, completely ignoring anyone you tagged along with.
It’s hardly the best way to socialise. You learn more about the fictional characters prancing about before your eyes than the flesh and blood people sitting either side of you.
Yes, it’s great to talk about what you’ve just watched with people afterwards, but that’s got nothing to do with the actual viewing of the film. You can do that any time.
In conclusion, if you’re one of those people that outright refuse to go to the cinema alone and mocks those that do, I can only assume one thing; that you’re afraid of the dark and need someone to hold your hand.

And now: doodles.
Nekkid Ninja

Domino playing Battle Bunnies

'nother bunny (We like bunnies at the moment).

Bunny butt.

My take on Asterix and Obelix (needs work. Obelix is waaaay too thin)

Chloe on a dance mat.

And, another bite back at the people that keep harrassing me about my characters having tails.

Assassin's Creed.

2007-11-21T09:45:00.000Z

I had written a big rant about the failings of this game, but, to be honest; it's just not worth my time typing it. A bitter disappointment, it doesn't deserve anything but evisceration in the form of a comic.
And now: doodles.
I was pointed toward a video of a very wierd DS game. Had to let Kat play it...

Generic Super Bint

CHLOE! Can't have a blog post without Chloe! :D

....or a lass wearing naught but a bed sheet.

And a character from (yet another) story I've been making notes on.

Coffee Run

2007-11-05T11:33:00.000Z

Helga always seens to be facing off with tentacles these days.....

I’ve heard that running through multiplication tables helps in this situation…..unfortunately; I’m crap at maths.

Another pervy/action comic character I'm playing around with:

Aaaand a pic of Chloe with the (diminutive) Lingerie Shop triplets……

Play Portal.

2007-10-26T12:12:00.000+01:00

That's not a suggestion. Play it. NOW!

Helga: PA, slayer of monsters and retreiver of slippers.

And; the freaks on B3TA wanted a bug with boobs. Here you go, Gents;

Thundercat Redesigns

2007-10-17T09:18:00.000+01:00

Just for fun, so, Purists; don’t get your knickers in a twist.
I thought I’d make ‘em look a bit more “catty”…..or, in Mumm Ra’s case; scary.

Gordon's alive?!

2007-10-11T10:51:00.000+01:00

The most Blessed Brian: VULTAN!

Hilary looks to have gone back to modelling.

Aaaand some sci-fi chicks (Long live Azpiri!)

Britain: Home of the Super Villain.

2007-10-09T14:18:00.000+01:00

From the 1960s to the 1980s it was those dastardly Soviets and from 2001 to present day it’s been anyone that looks like they might be from a hot country. Movies and TV shows are obviously a reflection of public opinion (by “public” I, of course, mean “American”) but during the period between, a trend began and continued: that of the evil Brit.
It seems that if a movie requires a truly diabolical villain, the following boxes must be ticked:
They must be well dressed, have good taste in food and wine, appreciate fine art and music and speak with an accent crisper than the Queen’s.
Where did that cliché come from?!
Granted; back when ¼ of the world’s population was under the Empire, the words “smug” and “Superior” were pretty much tattooed on our decidedly pale faces. But the Victorian era has been gone for nigh on a century, and even back in the day, we weren’t exactly what you’d call “bad”, just bloody arrogant, which can easily be said for any major world power in the contemporary age.
In all honesty; I’d quite like the population of Blighty to be made up of evil masterminds, but they’re not. They’re mostly a mob of drunken, football-obsessed inebriates, more interested in the latest series of Big Brother than plotting world domination. They don’t sit in darkened rooms, rocking back and forth in oversized armchairs, cackling over plans for super weapons that may, one day, deliver them the Earth.
It’s a fact I lament.
If they did have a diabolical bone or two they might just get off their ever-increasing arses and do something constructive.
Like capture Paris.
Or steal Belgium.
So why, then, in the face of this ineptitude, are the Brits always cast as modern villains?
Well, I think a substantial amount of blame has to be laid at the feet of Alan Rickman and that most English of “Germans”, Hans Gruber. He’s the definitive “Evil Limey” and has been a stereotype ever since he crashed that Christmas party.
Lazy Hollywood writers.
Need a villain? Think Rickman!
Too expensive? Find someone with an English accent.
And a suit.
THERE’s the root of the matter!
….or, at least, half of it.
When describing the populous of Britain, I did say “mostly”.
You see; there are Brits up to no good.
Ignoring the aristocracy, whose minds have probably turned to the destruction of mainland Europe now that fox-hunting has been banned, we have the government and all those associated with it.
In Iraq, our forces are instigating the sinister-sounding “Overwatch”, at home our military has launched a satellite called “Skynet” and during times of domestic strife, such as the tube bombings or the 2007 floods, an emergency coordination facility is activated called “COBRA”.
MI6 operates from a building that looks more like the lair of a Bond villain than the hero, Parliament is run from a gothic palace that wouldn’t look out of place in Dracula, pretty much every major town and city has a street with the word “Gallows” in it and we’re helping to fund the CERN accelerator; a potential doomsday device that could create a black hole.
Oh, sod it. Let’s just play the role.
Dibs on Australia.

Power of the Panther Panties

2007-10-08T09:23:00.000+01:00

Heh. This'd make the base for a killer super-hero comic.....

And a couple of Sh*thouse animations:

I really HATE that term....

2007-10-01T13:08:00.000+01:00

"Furry"....ick. Horrid name. I miss the days when they were just called "cartoon characters".....

Of course; some kinds of art DESERVE an unpleasant name....

And s'mother doodles:

The obligatory exploding-nurse scene……

2007-09-14T11:27:00.000+01:00

Some anime is just plain sick.

But most is just good (if naughty) fun.....

....and inspires stuff like this :)

The Birds.

2007-09-13T09:25:00.000+01:00

Characters from a little series of GIFs I made (You can see most of 'em in the 'Misc' section of CC).....I'll have to try and squeeze 'em into Sequential Art :)

And s'more doodles:
This one's from a comic I'm planning out.

Why DO tentacle monsters always end up in schools?

Wake up, Chloe!

Who designed her?

This is my excuse and I'm sticking with it......

....you expect me to wear THAT?!

2007-09-11T11:18:00.000+01:00

I’m never going to win an award for being “Best Dressed”. I choose to wear functional attire rather than stylish. Those that prefer more flair to their fashion may go as far as to call my wardrobe “plain”.
But I like “plain”.
A shirt of a single colour goes with anything, and I’ve far more important things to do than fritter precious time selecting a coherent ensemble for the day.
Plain clothing, however, is bloody hard to lay your hands on. You can travel from shop to shop in search of the simplest, most common garment and not be able to find one that doesn’t look like wallpaper.
1970s wallpaper.
Or it has a crappy logo plastered all over it.
Or it comes pre-shredded.
Or it’s covered in foreign text that could read anything from “Dragon of the East” to “Danger: I carry Ebola”. Face it; you just don’t know because you don’t speak Mandarin, do you?
And then there are the stains.
New jeans, with stains.
Brown stains.
Something is very wrong with that. You don’t buy clothing with brown stains, you burn it so that no one will ever ask the awkward question; “What caused THAT?!”
Maybe I’m just being fussy?
I do seem to have real trouble when it comes to buying anything I plan on wearing, though, be it clothing, foot or headwear.
Why is it I can walk into a hardware store, tell the assistant what I’m after and then leave with the desired item under-arm, but I go into a shoe or clothing shop and do exactly the same thing and they are out of stock, regardless of the colour of size I’m after?
Case in point: I had to get a new bike helmet a little while back. The old one was well in need of replacing, being over 4 years old, reeking of dried sweat and full of dead bugs picked up over the course of 4 summers.
(Yes; I actually put that on my head)
So; to the emporium of bike-related goods I go.
I was after a plain one (obviously) but as soon as I saw the selection I realised there was more chance of me farting one into existence than finding one which didn’t look like Picasso had been violently ill all over.
On top of the hideous colour schemes, there are the labels and logos, all of which are themed around speed. I ride a scooter. Wearing a helmet with “Lightning” or “Nitro” emblazed on it, while a sign of optimism, would make me feel silly as I tootled along at rocketing rate of 30mph.
Even if I had found a style that was to my liking, it wouldn’t have mattered as there was only ONE helmet in the entire shop that fit my bonce.
I’m aware that I have an ego, but that doesn’t actually affect the shape of one’s cranium. My skull is NOT freakishly large, but I do require a helmet that carries an “extra large” label.
Now, I saw 5 “EXTRA extra large” helmets, which really were for the elephant men of the Midlands, being so cavernous inside that you could wedge in, not just my head, but any luggage I intended on carrying with me.
And a spare tyre.
So why was there only ONE “Extra large”?
Eventually, I fear, people will not just be calling my wardrobe “plain” but also “threadbare” as shopping for clothing is becoming so difficult that I just hang on to what I already own for longer and longer….
Maybe I should purchase a loom and start making my own?

Over Hype

2007-08-31T10:42:00.000+01:00

There are a number of clues, warnings really, that hint at the quality of a product, and should be noted before you even bother taking it off the shelf.
The first is straight out of Spaceballs. If said product bears the label; “[popular franchise] the [product]”, then stay away from it at all costs. [popular franchise] The Video Game was thrown together in 3 months and plays like a turd, while [popular franchise] The Chocolate bar tastes of equal quality. They ooze cheapness from every pore and reek the foul stench of greedy marketing groups (a scent that seems a cross between rotting fruit and public toilets).
Hype is the second warning as to the shoddy quality of a product, especially when said product is either a film or a game. More often than not, if something bares the words ‘Critically acclaimed’, you should treat it as toxic and not go near it (or, at the very least, be prepared to vomit uncontrollably or break out in a rash if you DO choose to ingest).
On its release, ‘The Blair witch Project’ was hailed as the scariest film of all time. When I first watched it, I was expecting to see something so terrifying, so utterly horrific that I’d either leave an irremovable stain on the seat or collapse in a fearful, gibbering heap….or both. An hour and a bit later and all I’d seen was a lot of shaky footage, twigs and a retard that films herself washing her hands.
Disappointing.
‘Halo’ has been called “genre defining” and “the greatest game ever made” since its release. I’d not played it when it first appeared as I couldn’t get planning permission to install an Xbox in my home, but, in the last week I finally got ‘round to giving the king of console shooters a blast. What did I get for 8 hours play? A cliché story (evil aliens that take control of and mutate a host? Oh, no, THAT’s never been done before), levels so bland and repetitive that little glowing arrows had to be placed on the floor to prevent you from unwittingly going round and round in circles and then; back tracking. Lots and lots of backtracking.
And what the hell was that obstacle course at the end of the game all about?! How much more out of place could that actually be? They couldn’t disguise it to make it look just a little bit like it BELONGED on an intergalactic battleship?!
‘Halo 2’ is said by reviewers not to be as good as the original.
I think I’ll give it a miss.
Hype leads to disappointment. What you get in the end is never what you hoped for. Never waste time on something that has been built up and up. Always go on reputation as that’s EARNED, not fabricated.

Actually, I though Halo was crap.....

2007-08-30T09:47:00.000+01:00

Played it for the first time over the weekend and completed it. I now feel compelled to write to Bungie, demanding my time back.....

And, completely unrelated: a nekkid chick in a mascot costume.

Soopa Scarlet

2007-08-22T10:24:00.000+01:00

....and other doodles.

Chloe Comic - Lulu screwed up.

2007-08-17T08:57:00.000+01:00

Well....that didn't last long.
For some reason, the Chloe comic has vanished from Lulu. I'll look into why.
This is why I've not put section up on Curios for this comic: I needed to test out the method of distribution.
Always assume the internet-based services you're using are inept until they prove otherwise.

Angel International

2007-08-16T09:46:00.000+01:00

Episode 1 of the Chloe Comic is now available through Lulu.com as a PDF.

Chloe Comic - Teaser

2007-08-15T09:33:00.001+01:00

Nearly finished the first 13 page installment.
It's going to be very 'Saturday Morning Cartoon'......
Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
And some other doodles:

A Newer Nightmare.

2007-08-09T15:00:00.000+01:00

I’ve been pondering how a horror character that has become decidedly non-threatening could be redesigned to once again scare the sh*t out of people.
Probably shouldn’t waste my time, though. Wouldn’t know who to send such material to.

And here's some less creepy stuff:

Pip Raider

2007-08-06T10:13:00.000+01:00

The Aliens probe......

More shameless boobage.

And, of course, a pic of Chloe. Can't have a day without Chloe!

Clean Land Rovers

2007-08-03T13:23:00.000+01:00

I don’t like being on the road. If I can, I walk from A to B, because I know that the people with whom I share the pavement have far more control of direction and better grasp of spatial awareness those with which I share the tarmac.
This is another reason why I love my scooter; Its size and manoeuvrability keep me safe from the poorly driven cars, vans and trucks that stalk the land between my home and place of employment.
No, a scooter doesn’t have a roll-cage, air-bags or cup-holders and yes, if I did get hit (god forbid) I would most likely be transported to the morgue in a jar, but if I can see trouble; with a scooter I can avoid it.
If I see it.
Riding home yesterday I was almost force-fed an off-roader as it emerged, with speed, from a concealed dirt track onto the road.
Had I been on 4 wheels rather than 2, the entire passenger side of the car would have ended up wedged between the opposing vehicle’s absurdly shiny chrome bull-bars and its radiator.
Which would have been annoying.
I don’t trust or like other road users much, but there are certain drivers that I hold a particular fear and loathing of: those that travel in clean Land Rovers.
Like the one that jumped out from behind a hedge and made me poo a little.
I specify clean because dirty Land Rovers (or any other type of off-road vehicle) have a different breed of driver at the wheel.
If the chasse of the machine is encrusted with mud, cow manure and the rotting remains of small (but slow) woodland animals, it’s a sign that it’s used for its intended purpose, and used regularly.
Therefore, the driver knows how to use it and not kill people.
The drivers of clean Land Rovers are the exact opposite. They don’t know how large their vehicle is, they don’t know how much power is under the bonnet and they don’t care if they hit anything smaller than them as they’re well aware that both they and the over-priced Marks & Spencer food they just popped out to buy will survive the impact without a scratch.
A clean Land Rover is naught but a status symbol. Forget super cars; for men, off-roaders are true extensions of the Magic Love Truncheon, and for women, they scream “I am Queen Bee! Get the fek out of my way!”
You could only get more obvious if you stuck your head out the window and shouted “Look! Look how BIG I am!”
Such individuals should not be allowed on the roads at all, let alone be given charge of a turbo-charged tonnage of metal to throw around the countryside.
Are you one of these people?
Are you a potential agent of Death?
Are you a git?
A simple test will give you an answer: Go outside. Look at your Land Rover. Is it dirty from a day at work? If not; you don’t need it, and neither do the poor souls you share the road with.
Get a smaller car, you poser.

Mobile Denizens

2007-08-02T11:49:00.000+01:00

Vroom.

And a couple of pics I was commissioned to do:

Bugs.

2007-08-01T11:07:00.000+01:00

Always a source of fascination.

Heroes are there, we just ignore them.

2007-07-30T13:44:00.000+01:00

Jeremy Clarkson (Tall, loud chap), James May (Floppy-haired, uber geek) and Richard Hammond (Rocket-powered hamster-man), deranged presenters of the BBC’s ‘Top Gear’, recently played out one of their typically batty challenges.
To date, they’ve raced each other all over Britain, Europe and a few of America’s southern states.
Their latest epic escapade took them north.
All the way north.
Dog sled vs. a customised Toyota pick-up.
First one to the pole wins.
From the comfort of my living room I watched the madmen charge across the most inhospitable of terrain and laughed myself silly as they started mixing themselves G & T and producing wine, cheese and other posh nibbles from their rucksacks.
Intentional or otherwise, these presenters were keeping alive the age-old traditions of the true adventurer; they didn’t have a clue what they were doing, but carried on regardless.
100 years ago, the world was much larger, as were the old empires and the vast egos that dwelled in them. There were still blank areas on the map, which meant there was still the opportunity to get in good with a cartographer and have yourself immortalised in geography.
Lords, ladies, knights and other titles set out on all manner of insane expeditions in an effort to find a lake, waterfall, mountain or canyon that the rest of the world had yet heard mention, and then write themselves into the history books as its discoverer.
Usually, they only found plague carrying mosquitoes or cannibals, which is unsurprising as they all approached the endeavour in the same way; with complete and utter naivety.
They had no idea of what they were getting into, no clue of what clothing or food they should bring along and certainly no respect for local knowledge.
“What do the natives know?”
Enough to stay out of that part of the jungle, matey! There’s a reason no one goes there, you know!
The Brits were, without a doubt, the best at this, mainly because 90% of the island’s adventuring aristocracy were utterly barking and didn’t bat an eyelid at the concept of being mauled by the indigenous fauna. They had no problem setting out into the great, godforsaken unknown armed with naught but a crisp English accent and a hipflask full of Scotland’s finest tipple.
Obviously; most were eaten, but a number did survive, as can be proven by looking at a map.
Everything’s named “Victoria”.
Discovery and achievement were real social currency back then. If you hadn’t climbed a mountain in South America, crossed India on an elephant or been forced to drink your own excreta while lost in the Sahara, you were a nobody.
The celebration of such adventurous (if a bit mental) individuals is something I really miss in this age of mass media. A dim blonde can squeal onto a CD then bounce their baps on TV and is worshiped for it, but people that hike from pole to pole, cross the Atlantic in a row-boat or circle the globe in a hot-air balloon, as they have done in recent years, are ignored.
I think that’s the key to the failings of society: we’re idolising the nobodies.
I set you all a challenge: look at those currently deemed ‘famous’ and ask “What have they actually accomplished?” and “Is it worth being remembered for?”.

Mandy and Scarlet

2007-07-27T11:21:00.000+01:00

I’m usually quite rubbish at emulating other people’s styles, but I’m quite pleased with this:
Someone requested that I draw the uber talented Dean Yeagle’s creation, Mandy, meeting Scarlet.

And more from the Chloe Comic:

Sample Page 1
Sample Page 2

RAYGUN!

2007-07-26T09:17:00.000+01:00

I love retro sci-fi in cartoons.

A pin-up a day keeps ennui at bay.

uh.......don't ask.....

Banjo Duel

2007-07-24T09:01:00.000+01:00

A couple of friends engage in a string-based fight:

Aaaaaaand some improbably-proportioned nekkidness:

Man the pumps!

2007-07-23T09:05:00.000+01:00

England’s second city, Birmingham, has recently been spending vast sums of money regenerating its canal-side areas.
These waterways, originally meant to shift raw materials like coal and metal ore from mine to warehouse to factory are naught like those you’d picture at mention of the word “canal”.
No gondolas, no Italian flavour, no architectural marvels and you’ll only hear mention of “Cornetto” is someone starts reading aloud the ice cream wrappers drifting downstream.
The council can shout their claim at the top of their lungs for as long as they want. Birmingham isn’t and never will be a “Venice of the North”.
Lower lying population centres, on the other hand, are quite a different matter.
Weeks of rain has left much of Central England underwater, in floods, the likes of which, have not been seen in generation.
Roads, MAJOR roads, are submerged, towns are completely cut off, whole caravan parks are floating down the Thames and the price of potatoes has gone up by 16%.
The horror.
I live in the Midlands, but I can be quite smug as I live on a hill……and I don’t eat potatoes.
My place of work is also on a hill, allowing me to sleep soundly knowing that months of artwork are not going to be a damp and soggy mess when I return to them the following day.
Unfortunately, said hills are not part of the same ridge, meaning I have to commute across an area of lowland.
Water likes lowland.
Now, I ride a scooter; a nimble little thing that can clock up a whopping 45mph (going downhill. Its usual speed is around 35. 30 if riding into a stiff breeze) and it’s great to bomb around on, so long as you stick to the quieter roads. I venture out onto anything larger and I have a tailback of 10 cars behind me in as many seconds, the death-merchants that drive them all willing the petrol tank to explode under my arse.
As I’d rather not test the psychic abilities of irate BMW and Landrover drivers, I make a point of taking back-water routes to and from work.
At least I do when said “back-water routes” aren’t living up to their name.
Last Friday it had been raining for at least 10 hours and to traverse my usual path home I’d have needed a Jet Ski, not a Honda Lead.
Forced onto the main roads I was slightly terrified to find that they were not in a much better state: I ploughed into 4 huge lakes spanning not only the tarmac but the farmland to either side, I was sprayed by huge trucks travelling in the opposite direction and, of course, I had the people of the tail-back willing brain-cancer on me.
Most unpleasant.
So, who can I blame for my discomfort? Who is to be held responsible for this random act of nature?
I guess I’ll just do what everyone else does and blame the government.
Can’t blame god, he might make things worse…..

Subtlety can’t be drawn in crayon.

2007-07-20T14:36:00.000+01:00

Philip Pullman’s “His Dark Materials” trilogy is soon to kick off its celluloid debut. The adaptation of the first book will be released worldwide under the title “The Golden Compass”; the name the novel carried in North America, as opposed to its original branding, “The Northern Lights”.
This, unusually, doesn’t irk me too much. I cringe more at the fact that it’s a slap in the face for the author. Titles of literary works are carefully chosen by those that pen them and money-grabbing marketing types changing them on the grounds that someone somewhere may not know what said title indicates strikes me as, well; dumb.
As I said, though; this particular case doesn’t get the bile flowing. Both titles are relevant to the story, though only one carries a sense of cold mystery. The other has all the subtlety of a bludgeon painted bright yellow with 8 shrieking ferrets bound to it.
It does, however, give me licence to scream, bitch and point accusingly at a case from the past:
The first Harry Potter book.
Its title on fair Blighty was “The Philosopher’s Stone”, but on release in the US it was renamed “The Sorcerer’s Stone” because the American publishers didn’t think the readers would know what a philosopher was.
I find that move somewhat alarming as the publishers in question are called “Scholastic”.
What kind of company going under THAT moniker takes away an opportunity to pose a question? An opportunity to get a child to look something up? To learn?
Or, easier still; give them a reason to read the bloody book! The answer’s inside!!
Now, I’ve spoken with them, joked with them and engaged them in highly intelligent conversation, so I can say with authority that the Americans aren’t thick, as the rest of the world oft suggests. Wider, on the occasion, but not thick.
Their media organisations and distributers, however, seem convinced that the general population of the US is made up of barely conscious Neanderthals and so, treat them as such.
That an upcoming film is being released WORLDWIDE as “The Golden Compass” is a sign that this train of thought is spreading: the opinion that the public are dumb. Give them something bright and shiny to look at and they’ll be happy.
But I’m not. And if I’m not I’ll wager that others aren’t either.
We LIKE subtlety. We LIKE to work things out over the course of the book/film/TV Series/game. We LIKE it when things don’t become clear until the very end.
All of that can be undermined by a change in a name.
Some may think that it’s an overreaction to get into a twist over a title change, but it’s not the CHANGE that’s the ultimate problem. The problem is the talentless, unimaginative, exploitative people that are RESPONSIBLE for the change, and that they have the power to do so at the drop of a hat.
I’m worried what will become of the creative endeavour if they’re allowed to continue dumbing things down. If you give a person reason use their brain, they become smarter. But if you treat someone like a moron they eventually think they are one.
And what will become of us then?

Chloe HQ

2007-07-19T09:12:00.000+01:00

A little ring of islands in the South Pacific.

Advice for Street Fighters:

2007-07-18T10:21:00.000+01:00

Always cover those tender areas.......

Just roll the bloody film!

2007-07-17T09:44:00.000+01:00

I miss video.
No, I don’t miss the hissing, crackly sound, the grainy picture or the stretching and distortion of this film through continued use….usually during very specific points in movies of a particular nature.
What I miss is the freedom, the utter, indescribable bliss of being able to fast-forward through the anti-piracy warnings, the copyright notices and those fekking, over-elaborate, “is this the film? Oh no, it’s not.” Studio logos. Dear GOD, how I miss being able to sit down in front of the TV and having the power to zoom straight to the opening credits.
But that privilege has been stripped from us by the mighty Satan that is Dynamic Video.
Press it as hard as you like; the ‘Skip’ button is there only to taunt you.
No longer can we watch a film from the get-go. First, we must endure 25 minutes of legal bumf, displayed in writing so small that only those rich enough to have jumped on the high-def band-wagon can read.
Then we come to the insanely lengthy studio logo, which is animated to a fan-fare that may as well be a funeral dirge as, by this point, all but the most sedate people will have woven a crude noose from their chair-lining.
God forbid the studio is celebrating an “anniversary” the year of the DVD’s release – this animation goes on for even longer.
25 years? Since what? I put the disk in?!
On a few occasions, I’ve witnessed this animation run TWICE. Once to inform you of the studio that made the film (in case you missed it plastered all over the box) and again to remind you that it’s one of their DVDs you’re watching (in case you thought you were in a cinema).
Thanks, chaps. Can we see the film now?
‘Course not!
With the formalities out of the way; on comes the menu, which is completely unresponsive until yet more time-wasting animations play, revealing the options available in obscure ways that make no sense until you’ve actually seen the movie (which, by now, seems unlikely to ever transpire).
When this has at last finished, those that have not yet hung themselves out of boredom may be thinking that they’ll live to see the film.
“Huzzah!” some will cheer….all too soon.
DVDs have one last evil act to commit: compulsory spoilers.
These are the little clips from the movie that play either as the menu is running through its tedious animation or when you click on an option and they invariably contain some gripping scene or piece of action.
At least, it would be gripping, had it not been removed from the context of the film. Its carefully scripted build-up hacked away by people that clearly know squat about film or entertainment in general.
They may as well just print on the screen “Willis is a ghost!” or “Spacey is the killer!”.
I think I’ve just worked out why piracy is so rampant on the DVD format.
People don’t buy them because they want to watch films on the cheap, they buy them because they want to watch films without having to wade through all of the above. Something pirates kindly cut out.
Thank ye, Jack Sparrow!

(I will not be upstaged by a chipmunk!)

Chloe Sandwich.

2007-07-16T10:37:00.000+01:00

No; it's not what you think :)

The Beasts of Basra

2007-07-13T10:11:00.000+01:00

According to the good people of Basra, Iraq; the nefarious British Army has unleashed an evil new weapon in an effort to sow panic amid the populous:
Badgers.
BADGERS?!
Well, never let it be said that the Iraqis were unoriginal in their claims.
Yes, the Blighty Battalions are being blamed for the appearance of a vicious breed of the beastie near their headquarters and surrounding area.
Were it any other nation’s military that the accusations were being hurled at, I’d say they were absurd. But history tells us that absurdity is what the British forces do best, and I’m not about to put badger-deployment past them.
What I must question, though, is the eyewitness statements of these “ferocious” animals at work.
One Iraqi farmer stated that he had watched one of the badgers eat an entire cow.
What?!
I don’t claim to be a badger expert in any shape or form, but I did catch a few episodes of Springwatch earlier in the year and I don’t recall the badger-obsessed Bill Oddie ever mentioning the critters having a penchant for cattle decimation.
Perhaps the boffins at Special Weapons have developed some sort of Super Badger?
God, I hope not.
Every time they’ve tried to use animals in warfare it’s always gone horribly, horribly wrong.
The time they tied bombs to bats, for example. During the second world war they hoped that said nocturnal nightmares would flap their way over to German hangers and explode their planes….forgetting the fact that one hanger is just the same as another to a bat….only the British ones were closer.
Or what about the infamous dolphins? Trained for months to stick limpet mines to enemy ships and when released into the open waters for the first time….they drop the explosives and fek off.
People, specifically military people, tend to underestimate “lesser” animals’ desire not to get blown to bits and it’s very hard not to admire their care-free attitude.
Animals simply sit on the sidelines of war, not giving a hoot who wins or loses. They just point and laugh as another stupid human gets his leg blown off.
And then they eat him.

[Much used office software made by people that can afford better lawyers than me] 2007

2007-07-12T09:02:00.000+01:00

First, let me make it clear; I am NOT averse to change, especially when it is for the better. Anything that allows me to work faster, more efficiently or with greater ease I generally welcome with open arms and offer tea and biscuits (The nice kind. In foil wrapping).
However, if change brings about headaches, frustration and gnashing of teeth; out comes the cricket bat and its standard Midland quota of nails.
For work purposes I have recently been forced to upgrade to the latest edition of the software these few paragraphs are poised to lynch and have since been asking myself one question:
Why?
A vague query, you may think, especially if you are unfamiliar with the offending package (though, if you’re computer-savvy enough to be trawling through other people’s blogs, that seems unlikely).
Why, I ask, after countless versions, after conditioning millions of users, after allowing them to develop a comfortable familiarity with the layout of the interface, have the makers of this software gone and changed everything?!
Five seconds (probably less, actually) after the update I knew I had made a mistake and that my working life was to become a misery for months to come. All the icons had changed, the buttons that performed certain functions had been moved (nay; HIDDEN) and, greatest annoyance of all; the dictionary had been set to U.S. spelling.
Now, Colonists, I really don’t give a rat’s rectum what hideous and unsavoury things you do to The Queen’s English on your side of the pond, so long as it stays there. And forcing me to spend one hair-tearing hour searching through the endless menus and unhelpful help-pages in order to switch the dictionary, permanently, to U.K. spelling…..well, that’s just rude.
Who was it that thought such changes would be a good idea?
Who was it that decided to throw away years of development and force everyone to start from scratch, relearning the interface and probably costing businesses a sh*tload of money as work-rate drops while poor sods like me fumble around with the unwieldy nonsense foisted upon them?
It’s like suddenly asking people to drive on the other side of the road!
Ha d the update simply been a cosmetic change, with new elements neatly slotted into place by the old, I wouldn’t be seething as I am. In the past there’s always been an option to switch to ‘Classic’ mode, making it seem like there’s been no change at all. Perfect!
But the bastards seem to have removed that too.
Or hidden it.
To me, the 2007 update is the most irritating thing this (anonymous-in-this-rant-but-quite-easily-identified-as-they-have-the-market-cornered) software maker has forced upon us poor consumers.
Even worse than that fekking paper-clip…..

Testing testing.

2007-07-11T14:13:00.000+01:00

Hey, look! I made a Blog!

.......and I have no idea what to write......so here's a pic of a lady with big boobs.